Techno-fool

The hardest thing about being smarter than everyone else is being smarter than everyone else. While you’re trying to explain to them how simple something is, how relatively easy it is to understand, how if they would simply listen and think, they would understand. The looks they give you. The distant glaze that goes over their eyes as they try to act like they understand, but fail to even comprehend. The conversation always goes the same way for Non-Descript.

“Can you do this?” he’s asked in some serious manner with a tone that is meant to imply understanding, yet states the opposite.

“Yes. I can do this. It’s simple really. It’ll just take some time,” Non-Descript tries to assure him – tries to make him feel comfortable but not too comfortable. Too comfortable implies he’s being lazy and should be working harder. Instead, he goes for just comfortable enough to think it can get done, but only by him and only after a certain amount of time. Non-Descript tries for this, but rarely succeeds.

“Explain this to me,” the Techno-fool asks. He always asks. Why does he always have to ask? Why can’t he just not ask?

“I don’t really understand all of this,” it almost sounds harmless coming out of Techno-fool’s ignorant mouth. A mouth that has never had to strip cat-5 with its teeth. A mouth that has never had to hold a Sharper Image pen light in its grip as he followed the caution-orange fiber-optic cable through the roofing. A mouth that has never wetted the tip of a brush just before it dipped its curled hair into the paint and then brushed the perfect finger in a single stroke.

Non-Descript explains. Techno-fool turns off his brain, removes it, checks for scratches, buffs out any of the spots with the cuff of his shirt and then puts it back in his head forgetting to turn it on. Non-Descript explain in the simplest of terms, usually through more common, mundane examples. He always keeps it simple.

“Think of it like the difference between Fed-Ex and the US Postal Service. Both show up to the same address, but the first gets there faster with better security. The second shows up with everything else, junk included,” the mail example usually works. Non-Descript has found that if you can find a real world example no matter how loosely connected to the high level technical concept you’re trying to explain, you’re usually in the clear. The problem is that sometimes people take the example too far. Techno-fool is not the exception that proves the rule.

“I don’t think we should be sending this information outside of the office. I don’t care how secure it is. This all needs to stay internal,” the Techno-fool states.

“It all stays inside the office. Nothing leaves,” Non-Descript tries to explain.

“But you just said it was like Fed-Ex,” the techno-fool retorts, proudly.

“Yes, but it never leaves the building,” Non-Descript knows he’s written a check his metaphor can’t cash.

“So, it’s like Fed-Ex, but only in this building?” this is asked in such a way as not to understand, but to trap Non-Descript in some sort of elaborate lie he must be telling to swindle this poor luddite out of thousands of dollars of computer equipment.

“Kind of.”

“I don’t know,” Techno-fool proclaims. “It sounds to me like you don’t really have a full grasp on this. I think we’re going to have to wait on the upgrade until you can get me some actual numbers. Now if you’ll excuse me…”